Oh the Possibilities
by ekagrey
Summary: Exploring...playing with the possibilities of episode 3.04. What if Meredith didn't have appendicitis? What if it was something else? How will she and Derek cope with the imminent changes in their lives? their relationship?...definitely merder
1. Chapter 1

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Please Review!!!

Oh the Possibilities

Beep….beep…beep (the loud, in your face kind of beep that everybody hates)

The annoying sound of the buzzer on the alarm clock woke Meredith with a start. It had only been three hours ago that she fell into an exhausted sleep after spending most of the night tossing and turning, unable to shut off the steady stream of thoughts bouncing around her brain; trying to find a comfortable position in her big, seemingly very empty bed. She turned, still half asleep, expecting to roll into Derek's solid, warm form for a few more minutes of the peaceful bliss that grogginess offers, only to jolt with displeasure at the severe coolness of the sheets on side of the bed where he should have been.

"_Damn, why do I do that to myself every morning? I know he's not there, but still some part of me wishes, NO expects him to be_." With that thought, she pushed herself into a sitting position and warily placed a hand on her stomach that had suddenly decided to revolt against the change in position.

"_Great, this is the perfect way to begin the day_," she thought to herself edging towards the side of the bed, all the while starring out at the gray, cloud filled sky. "_Not only am I once again disappointed that he's not here but now I want to throw up. Come on! What could I have possibly done to deserve this? Oh yeah I know, screw around with the emotions of two really great guys while secretly wanting only one…yeah I probably deserve this_."

After the war raging in her stomach settled Meredith got up and grabbed the towel that she had haphazardly discarded on the floor the previous morning. She went into the bathroom, headed towards the shower, turned the water on, waited for it to heat up, and then warily sank to the tub floor. Here, in the bottom of her shower she had found a haven many mornings. It allowed her to have a few minutes to herself before beginning the long day ahead with its never ending stream of people and their problems. The hot water and the steam it created helped to push the last trace of sleep from her head. The steady stream of water was calming and at the same time strengthening. It almost felt like soft, warm hands running down her neck and shoulders…a delicious feeling that she always allowed herself to indulge in before officially beginning the day. Peace was never long lasting, especially in this house.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

_Flush_… She heard the sound, but her body didn't register what it meant until the water turned scalding. "Holy shit," she yelled it to the room in general while jumping up, hitting her elbow sharply against the tile. "Damn it…" She hadn't been on her feet for more than a few seconds before the room suddenly began to spin. Lines and shapes began to blur together at a sickening speed. Meredith could no longer determine up and down, left or right; her body began to sway. Unsteadily, she placed her forehead and both hands, palms flat, against the wet tiles. She loved her time on her tub floor, but sitting on it and falling onto were two completely different scenarios all together. So she waited, fixed in the same spot, for her world to regain its normal balance. After a few seconds the ringing in her ears and the flashing behind her eyelids stopped and she was able to draw a breath once more.

"Sorry Mer…I didn't know that you were in there…I mean I heard the water running, but no one was moving so I thought that you or Izzie had turned it on and were coming back."

"It's okay George," Meredith managed between t huge gulps of air hoping that they would help to stabilize her spinning world. After the door shut Meredith stood under the hot water for a few more seconds waiting for the pain in her elbow to dull. The pain eventually ebbed and as quickly as she could without throwing off her balance, Meredith ran some shampoo through her hair and soap over her body.

After drying off and throwing on a pair of jeans and a wrinkled sweater, she headed back into the bathroom, brushed her teeth and hair and did a quick check in the mirror, noting the dark circles under her eyes that severely contrasted with her pale skin (which was looking a little more pale than usual). "_Maybe I really am catching something," _she thought frowning at her reflection,_ "Hope it doesn't hit at work. I need something to go right this week_." She took one more look then headed downstairs to the kitchen to catch up with George and Izzie (who had finally come back to work…the change of pace was doing her good. She was actually smiling and joking again. At times, many times, her eyes still held the haunted look of someone who had loved and lost, but she was slowly and steadily healing).

"Wow Mer…don't you look like Miss America this morning," Izzie teased as she poured boiling water into a mug and dropped in a tea bag.

"Shut up…" Meredith snapped back letting herself sink into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Here ya go Mer," George said pressing a cup of steaming coffee into hands. "I know Izzie's being silly, but really are you feeling okay?"

She looked at him, silently expressing her gratitude for the mug of coffee that was steadily sending heat through her icy fingers.

"Yeah," Izzie smiled, you look like you got hit by a truck, but I guess you had a really busy day yesterday with work and you know Derek tripping all over himself and everybody else trying to spend some time with you. You need to tell him that you're still off the market before Finn shows up and it all goes to hell. What did you do to make Derek suddenly see the light?"

She waited, but got nothing more than a blank stare. "Okay, Mer…I guess you know what you're doing, just be careful…" her lighthearted look became serious, "whatever you're doing with them is making you look like shit and I'm saying that in the nicest way possible.

"Thanks for the insight and the medical opinion Iz, or should I say Dr. Phil. Meredith shot back, forcing a smile to play over her lips. It didn't sound in her voice and it wasn't evident in her eyes. George and Izzie shared a concerned look, but didn't say anything else…they knew it wasn't going to help. Meredith looked from one to the other. The condescending silence was going to drive her crazy. She knew that they were genuinely worried about her, but she couldn't give them the answers that they wanted because in all honesty she wasn't sure what the answers were. She wasn't sure how she was feeling. She wasn't sure why it was taking her so long to decide what to do; she did know that Finn was going to find out sooner or later, Derek would make sure of that. The whole situation made her head ache. She stood up, put the mug in the sink, and grabbed her coat. "Are you guys ready to go, because if we don't move soon I'm going back to bed."


	3. Chapter 3

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

The harsh lights and fast paced atmosphere of Seattle Grace did nothing to ease the growing pain in Meredith's head or the constant nausea of her stomach. In fact just walking into the building everyday was beginning to feel like yet another struggle that she did not need in her life. This used to be the one place that she felt relatively happy. Even after the threads that were holding her existence together began to unravel, the hospital was the one place she could loose herself, at least for small periods of time, in her work. Not being with Derek had not been an easy thing to do, but at least while they were in the hospital together they could pretend, even if it was strained, that things were back to the way that they used to be.

It wasn't that seeing him and not being able to be with him wasn't painful, but it was life and Meredith was a fighter. She continued to be friends with and secretly dream and long after Derek, but she had picked up the pieces of her life the best she could and even started dating a vet named Finn. The vet who happened to take care of Doc, the dog that Meredith and Derek had jointly shared for the short time after he had be exiled by Izzie and George from the house and before he died. It was actually because of Doc that Meredith had met Finn.

He was a great man. He was sweet, caring, and accepted Meredith for the person that she was. He took the good, the bad, and the damaged aspects of her person; the burdens of a past (both the distant and more recent) that still haunted her. He was there when she needed someone and that really meant a lot, especially to her. In the twenty-six years of her life there had never been a single person who had been able to hold on, to keep her close. Somehow in the messy business of life they forgot they were holding her and they let go leaving Meredith to swim on her own without a lifejacket. Her father walked away, her mother pushed her away. However as rough and bumpy as it may be, life continued to roll along and Meredith rolled right on with it; fighting the current every step of the way. Not having a lifejacket had forced her to become strong; independent. It hadn't made her a superhuman; she was still incredibly flawed, especially when it came to opening her heart. Derek had changed that, but when he left, when he dumped her back into the swirling waters, her past had allowed Meredith to survive. She would continue to survive.

There were some moments where she could actually and confidently say that she was happy. Being with Derek had been like discovering sunlight for the first time. He had been her true love; the first that Meredith had ever had. With him out of her life, the world had become darker, scarier, the colors duller, but then Finn came along holding a candle. He offered the possibility of hope; of light. Meredith had found that when she allowed herself to be, she was semi happy. She was even able to picture a future without Derek in it. It had been hard, but she was able to hold her resolve; that was until the night of the prom; the night that Denny died. That night she and Derek lost the battle they had been fighting with themselves and with one another. The platonic, innocent friendship they pretended to have had been a complete sham. No matter how hard they tried, there was a love there that couldn't be ignored. They made love. It was sporadic, wonderful, fulfilling, and WRONG on so many different levels, but it was real, it was there, and it couldn't be denied any longer. Derek stepped out of the shadows and fully back into the main focus of Meredith's picture. Poor Finn, the whole situation made Meredith feel dirty. She knew what she needed, Derek. He was it for her, but Finn deserved a chance, he had been there and because he was such a decent man, because of all he had done for her, Meredith decided to give him a chance. It was not going to be easy. After the night of the prom, Derek decided once and for all to end things with Addison. He was finally done trying to save a marriage that he knew was doomed to fail, but he was McDreamy and his sense of justice, no matter how twisted it was happened to be a major part of his appeal, at least to Meredith. However, in the process of trying to right things Derek had repeatedly broken Meredith's heart. He broke it when he left and he knew that, but what he didn't know is that each time that he looked at her that way he did; those eyes of his saying a thousand things in just one glance, broke her heart every time.

The thing was, even though she was reluctant to admit it and even though it wore her down, Meredith loved those looks, she wanted him to break her heart because she was in love with him. If only he had decided to end things with Addison before she met Finn. There would have been no conflict, she would have gone back to Derek, still madly in love with him, maybe a little more wary, but she would have gone back.

In many ways she had already gone back because she stopped resisting him. She had made the conscious decision to spend time with him in the name of friendship. That night in the exam room _she_ had allowed Derek to kiss her; had allowed herself to kiss him back, to get lost in him. She had allowed him to take her, allowed herself to take him. In his arms she was home. The feel of his skin and hair, his short feather-like gasps against her face, the taste of his lips, and the tender weight of his kisses revived her; they were just as essential to her being as oxygen; water. The touch of his hands on her face, neck, the delicate skin of her stomach and thighs, and the bittersweet pressure of his fingertips as they dug into the tender flesh of her hips as he entered her in one hot, fluid motion had sent her dizzy mind into another world, another time, another reality. The rhythm of their joined bodies, the dance they were entangled in had been overwhelming. Her release had been intoxicating, but the feel of Derek trembling and shuttering with his own release within her had been empowering. He needed her, wanted her as much as she needed and wanted him. There on that table Meredith had felt happy and safe…but as they lay there, bodies still joined as one, waiting for their pluses to return to normal, for breathing to become easy and hoping for the energy to move; reality hit and she had panicked. They weren't in another world. They were in an exam room in the hospital with his WIFE and her BOYFRIEND no more than a walk down the hall away.

She wanted him, but she felt she owed it to Finn to try, so she decided the best thing to do was to continue as she had been. Officially she was with Finn, but secretly her heart was Derek's. Things really hadn't changed except that Derek was free and he was coming after her, but he had made her wait and dragged her on and now it was time for him to suffer and be on edge a little while and as for Finn he was a nice guy and she genuinely cared for him. Plus she needed time, so she was dating; Finn and loving Derek. It was selfish and she was ashamed, but in the beginning it had been cute and the power that she had made her a little heady, but now, NOW in the three weeks that it had been going on it had become old and exhausting and the stress was causing her stomach to have a life of its own.


	4. Chapter 4

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

The slamming of the adjoining locker door woke Meredith out of her revere.

"Get a move on Mer. You don't have all day to stand there looking into space. Finish getting dressed and come on; we have pre rounds and you know that Bailey is not going to be happy if we're late. Plus we might snag a really cool case if we get to Derek before Bailey assigns us. You know I am really starting to like this dating game that you're playing," Cristina said in her usual no nonsense go getter kind of way.

"Right" Meredith said pulling her scrub top over her head deciding that today it would just be easier to agree with Cristina than to argue with her.

Pre rounds came and went without any major calamity and without even a glimpse of Derek.

"Now that's weird."

"What's weird?" Meredith asked in response to Cristina's open ended statement.

"Okay so for three weeks now, you've had McDreamy following you around like a little lost puppy. He's made a point to come and suck up to you all the time, but today, today when I could really use him sucking up to you, he's nowhere to be found."

"You're really enjoying this aren't you?"

"Uh…YEAH. You've got him eating out of your hand and thanks to that I have been able to get some really good surgeries. And I really need a good surgery today. Burke was feeling sorry for himself last night and it just, well, seeing him like that it just stresses me out. You know him, he's like 'I'm Preston Burke, I can do anything,' but recently it's been a struggle just to get him to move. I've never seen him like this and I'm just stressed, so I need a good surgery."

"Okay…" Meredith looked at her friend, concern written on her face.

"It's okay Mer. It's not the end of the world, last night was just hard. When you take someone who is a healer and a doer and then expect them to sit around and heal, well it's hard. Last night was just rough, but he is doing better. I am making him do better. Yesterday I made him sew a chicken back together after I mutilated it. You shoulda seen the look on his face when I threw the suture kit at him and said 'Sew it back together,'" she said nodding her head with a satisfied smile on her face.


	5. Chapter 5

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

He stood there watching her, standing there talking to Cristina, looking as beautiful as ever. "How in the world did I make it without her?" he asked himself. Then he smiled, "I guess I never really did make it without her, she was there all along, I just denied her and myself of what we really needed, but I will never do that again; I love her." Just at that moment as if she could read his mind Meredith looked up and gazed into Derek's eyes. A small smile laced her mouth cutting Cristina off in mid sentence.

"So there he is."

"What?"

"Mer, I can tell when he's around; you get this dumb little look on your face. All I have to do is follow your gaze and there he is."

"Well I can't help it I…..I,"

"Mer?"

Suddenly without warning Meredith's stomach revolted. The little thrill of excitement that coursed through her body every time Derek was near was too much for her nauseous stomach this morning. Quickly, more out of reflex than any consideration for her friend, Meredith gave Cristina a little shove, bent over and threw up all over the floor in the middle of the hallway.

"Holy crap Mer, are you alright?" Cristina asked taking a tentative step toward Meredith's pale, shaking frame.

Derek from his stance on the second floor saw Meredith get sick. His heart did a little nauseous flip flop at the sight of something wrong with her. She was his and he couldn't stand the sight of her tears, or her sickness. Just the thought of her in pain was enough to kill him. Quickly, without thinking to end the conversation he was having with the doctor that he was speaking with, Derek turned and rushed for the stairs. He had to get to her, to hold her, to comfort her. Just as he reached the top step the sight of Miranda Bailey heading towards Meredith stopped him in his tracks. If looks could kill the one that she was shooting him would have knocked him over right then and there. He could read the message in her eyes clearly: _keep your distance. Here, in this hospital, she is nothing more to you than an intern._ Derek cast one more worried glance in Meredith's direction and then quickly headed toward the intern locker room where he knew that she would be in a few minutes. Once she was in there Bailey's rules did not matter. He would take her in his arms and never let go. More than anything he wanted to reassure her that he loved her and would be there through thick and thin.

"Somebody call the cleaning staff and get this mess cleared up," Dr. Bailey ordered striding up to where her two interns were standing. "Grey, take a minute and get yourself cleaned up and straightened out. Yang, make sure she gets to the locker room and then go prep Mr. Stein in 281, and scrub in, he's getting a stomach ulcer operated on in less than an hour. And Grey if you're still feeling sick and throwing up all over the place go home. Sick people are here to get better; you know to get surgeries that will improve the quality of their lives not to get thrown up on by you." Ever since the incident with Izzie, Miranda Bailey felt that tough love was the best way to work with her interns. She was concerned about Meredith and would check up on her later, but for now there was a full surgical board that couldn't be ignored.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey," Cristina said ushering Meredith down the hall towards the locker room. She was feeling sorry for Meredith hoping that she wasn't coming down with something. She had been sluggish for the past few days, especially this morning. She took Mer's hand and started leading her down the hall when suddenly the thought dawned on her.

"Meredith, are you pregnant?"

"What? NO! How could I be pregnant? I haven't had sex in weeks."

"Exactly, but you did have sex with Derek a few weeks ago at the prom and you yourself told me that it was not a planned affair."

"Yeah, but….oh crap….he didn't….."

"No he didn't…. and you know as well as I do that it takes a few weeks before the symptoms indicating the pregnancy begin; most of the time you don't even know until you're at least about a month along unless you're purposely looking for it...at least that's how it was with me. Plus with all drama and stress of this double dating Finn and Derek; you haven't exactly had the time to notice the changes in your body. By the way have you even considered the possibility that it could be Finn's?"

"No, but there is no way that could even be a remote possibility; it takes sex to procreate and Finn and I, we haven't…I was going to, but then I slept with Derek and I love him and I just couldn't sleep with Finn."

"Wait a minute, you're telling me that you have been with Finn for like I don't know a couple months and never even once…"

"Never even once; I was taking my time for a change. I was trying to heal."

"Well I guess that that relationship is officially over…can't really try to hold on to that. Between loving Derek and having his baby I don't think that you really have much room for Finn."

"I can't be pregnant Cristina, I can't…There is no way that I can deal with this; that Derek can deal with this. I don't even know where we really stand. Can I even trust him? He broke me once and goodness knows he could do it again; even now. A baby, a baby…it just can't happen." Tears were beginning to choke her voice.

Cristina gave Meredith's shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

Just then as if on cue Izzie, George, and Alex came bustling down the hall.

"What are you guys doing?" Cristina asked trying to keep their attention off of Meredith who was still looking pretty pathetic. Actually she looked worse than before because she was wrestling with the question of whether or not she was pregnant. If she was that was going to open up a whole new can of worms and she just wasn't ready to allow herself to get past the initial shock of the question, pregnant?

"Well," said Izzie, George is headed to the pit, and Alex, Alex is avoiding Addison who seems to be taking out all of her personal aggression on him." "Yeah, thanks Mer," Alex interjected. "And I," Izzie said choosing to ignore Alex's snide remark, "am going to prep 320. I have a surgery today!!!" There was some cause for excitement over Izzie's last statement because she had not been able to participate in a surgery since the incident with Denny.

"That's great Iz," Cristina said, nudging Meredith.

"Yeah Iz, that's wonderful," she managed.

The other three headed down the opposite end of the hall, none the wiser of Meredith's dilemma, while Cristina ushered the now, very pale, incredibly shaken Meredith through the doors of the locker room.


	6. Chapter 6

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

"You have to calm down Meredith; otherwise you'll probably throw up again."

"I can't Cristina, I can't…I think….I think I'm gonna be sick or pass out…I…" Meredith didn't finish her sentence. The panic was building up and quickly becoming overwhelming. The room started to spin and she began to sway on her feet. All of a sudden out of nowhere two strong arms enveloped her into their grasp. Instantly she was leaning against Derek's strong, familiar, and comforting form.

He didn't say anything to Meredith. He just held her while sobs wracked her small frame. Glancing up over the top of her head, he probed Cristina's eyes with his own looking for some small clue that would help him understand what was wrong. In response to his questioning Cristina just shrugged and fled the room.

The crying finally stopped. Her chest and lungs ached. Her eyes felt like she had rubbed salt into them. She didn't even realize until that moment that Derek had her cradled in his arms, on the floor with his back leaning up against the lockers. The room was quiet except for the occasional drip of the sink in the back of the room.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong? You don't have to, I'll be here no matter what, but if it makes you feel better I am more than willing to listen," he softly whispered into her hair. For a moment Meredith let herself lean against him, totally relaxed, feeling his strength and the steady beat of his heart. "Derek?" his name came out of her lips more as a question than a declarative statement.

"Hmm."

"Do you think that we made a mistake the other night? I mean I know that at the time it felt right, but we haven't really discussed it and…"

Before she could take her next breath, Derek turned her towards him and looked into her eyes.

"Why would you ask me that…do you think that it was a mistake? Are you trying to tell me that you don't want to be with me?"

"No…no, that's not it at all…I just…"

"Meredith with you it is never a mistake. The only mistake I made concerning you was trying to convince myself that I could make my feelings for you go away; that I could stop loving you and devote myself to the shell of a marriage that I had with Addison. The only mistake I made was choosing duty over love."

" Derek, I think I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant?"

She looked into his face, his eyes, there was no resentment, nothing, just a blank slate. Was he wondering if it was there if it was his? Was he even considering the possibility that it might not be? Was he thinking about the future? Was he happy?

"I could be pregnant…not that I've taken a test or anything, but…well you saw me throw up all over the place…this isn't the first morning that I've felt this way, nauseous I mean…I haven't thrown up before, but…I don't know what to do."

"Don't you think you should take a test to know for sure?"

"That's just it…I don't want to know for sure, not here anyway…I need time to think about this. Once I find out its done; you know? Once I know I'll have to deal with what to do next and I'm not ready to deal with that yet. I just need time."

She looked so vulnerable, so fragile, he just wanted to hold her forever, but if there was one thing he knew about Meredith, it was that she was not going to allow him to do that. Every time someone worked his or her way too deeply into her heart she began to push away. Based on her recent past, Derek was not at all surprised. The more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. He had a hand in breaking her, but maybe this baby, this perfect excuse to really begin a life together would help him heal her or at least to fix the part that he broke.

"I want to be here for you Mer; whatever happens I want to be here for you, with you. I was serious when I said all those things in the exam room and when I told you that I'm fighting for you. I love you plain and simple. I know that you love me too, if you didn't I don't think that you would have turned around and kissed me…that we could have made love like that…it was, well it was…I've never had that with someone before. And if we did make…this baby, our baby, well maybe it couldn't have decided for a better time to make an appearance. I know that I have a lot of ground to cover, I have so much to make up for, but Mer, this…well it's amazing."

The look in his eyes was so sincere, so full of love that Meredith couldn't really handle it. He was saying all the right things…all the things that she wanted, no needed to hear, but the possibility of a child and starting a life with Derek was too overwhelming. She had dreamed about it for so long, even before, but especially after Addison's appearance on the scene, made the actual hearing of the words too much. She needed space, she needed time, and she needed to breathe. She needed Derek regardless of whether there was a baby or not, but now what she most desperately needed right at this moment was space…

"Derek…there's a strong possibility that this miracle you keep talking about is nothing more than a virus or the flu and even I am pregnant would you still feel this way if I told you that there is a strong possibility it could be Finn's?"

She felt him stiffen, his eyes clouded, and for a moment he was totally still. She could barely feel the rise and fall of his chest. There was only the sound of the constant _tap tap_ of the water hitting the sink.

For Derek, at least for a split second, the world stopped; no it did more than stop, it crashed. He couldn't hold onto a thought; everything was spinning, so fast that he briefly thought it was his turn to throw up. Ironic, right? Finn? _Finn_…except when he was actually, physically present, Finn never factored into Derek's equation for the future. As macho and self centered as it seemed, Derek had always seen Finn as a simple pawn in Meredith's quest to help build herself back up…maybe to even subconsciously hurt him, (this of course had worked and worked well) but that was it, but now he had to consider the possibility that this vet may have just stolen Meredith. Could he survive this? Before this moment, Derek had never considered the possibility that Meredith might not be there when he finally shed himself of his sham of a marriage with Addison. Did Meredith make love with him the night of prom only to turn around and sleep with the vet? She had to have it if she was sitting here in his arms telling him that this possible baby may not even be his. Could he survive?

"Derek…Derek…?" His face had gone pale and a clammy sweat beaded his brow. Meredith nudged him. "Derek, take a breath…breathe!" This time she hit him.

"I just need…oh gosh I can't…catch my breath…I can't…Meredith why?" The 'why' came out as an anguished sob. Tears choked his voice.

"You don't have a right. Do you hear me Derek? You don't get be all broken up about this…you don't. You left me remember. I loved you and you took that and threw it away. I had to go home alone at night knowing that you were cozy in the bed with your wife; the one I didn't know about until she showed up all glamorous and fabulous. I had to see you together at work; I had to hear her tell the 'vet' that you were having sex in the middle of the morning. I was alone; I was broken. Remember?"

Tears swam in her eyes. She wanted to melt into his arms again; to tell him the truth, but she needed to know how he felt just as she needed to see his reaction. It was truly one of the hardest things that she had ever done, but she knew that if things were really going to change, if they were really going to work and if they were _even_ going to consider being responsible for another life, she needed to know that he was really in this. That he wasn't going to leave again.

"I have to go." She stood up. Much to her relief the nausea didn't attack her; for the most part it had faded away. The bitter taste was still in her mouth, but it was nothing that a toothbrush couldn't fix. Luckily she had one in her locker. As she headed for the sink Bailey entered the room. She took in Meredith's pale face and red rimmed eyes. Derek was out of sight, still sitting on the floor, tucked between the lockers.

"How are you feeling, Grey?"

"Not all that great to be honest with you Dr. Bailey."

"Well feel free to take the day…if it's the flu you need the rest and goodness knows that the patients and the rest of us don't need it…and…if it is something else, (she'd obviously talked to Cristina, Meredith would have to remember to be mad later) you'll need time to think, to wrap your head around the situation…I understand Meredith; crazy things happen, things that we can't plan for. Just take the day."

If she had come in and hit her upside the head Meredith couldn't have been any more shocked.

"Thanks…"

With that Bailey turned and left the room.

Derek still couldn't move. He heard Meredith at the sink brushing her teeth, but he just couldn't feel his legs. The pager on his side brought him back to reality. Someone needed him. He forced the movement. He took the time to glance in Meredith's direction. She had just hit him with a major bombshell; one that quite possibly could render a mortal blow, but regardless he loved her. It hurt…damn it hurt, but it was his cross to bear. He caught her gaze in the reflection. She noted his red rimmed eyes. He looked tired; like he had gained ten years in twenty minutes.

"I love you..."

It was all he said. He didn't reach to touch her, he simply walked out into the busy hallway, back out to face the day and the people who were counting on him to save their lives and those of their loved ones.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Meredith was dreading the encounter that she knew she was about to have with Finn. In a perfect world, she would have been able to pick a better place than his work to break her news, but due to the circumstances she figured the sooner the better. The pregnancy test that she picked up at q local drugstore was sitting in her purse unopened. The whole idea of a baby was overwhelming, putting off finding out somehow allowed Meredith to cope. She was very skilled when it came to putting certain situations off. Scarlett O'Hara's famous line "I won't think about this now, I can't stand it if I do; I'll think about it tomorrow," seemed to have become a personal anthem. However, telling Finn the truth about this relationship or whatever they had going could not be put off. Finding out for sure whether or not you're pregnant is one thing, but dragging along a decent man who genuinely cared for you, who had had his own share of heartbreak, and who was most definitely not the father of said hypothetical child was another. Meredith did not want to give the man false hope, especially now…now that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she and Derek still had something to fight for…she had hope for the future and the best way to prepare for that was to shed the past, to make a clean break.

She walked into the reception area of the clinic. People were there with their pets. Finn really had an odd assortment of clientele from the more traditional pets (dogs, cats, rabbits, even horses and mice) to the exotic, or at least what she considered exotic (snakes, lizards, chinchillas). The secretary gave her a big smile.

"Well this sure is a pleasant surprise. He's in with a patient right now, but feel free to sit; he should be out any minute. Playing hooky today?"

"Something like that," Meredith said with a weak smile. She took a seat and hoped that Finn would make an appearance soon.

She saw him before he saw her, of course she was looking for him and he had no idea that she wasn't at work. His dirty blonde hair looked as if he had just recently gotten a trim. He was always neat. For a split second Meredith wished that she could have the flip flops in her stomach for him that she felt for Derek. Finn was sweet and stable and she could picture a life with him. If she had met him first or not met Derek at all, Meredith was thoroughly convinced that she could have been, no, would have been happy. Finn took a glance around the waiting room and Meredith felt when his eyes found her. She looked up and managed a smile. His in return was big; it traveled all the way up into his eyes which made her spirits sink even lower. "_I'm really going to hurt him and he doesn't deserve this…damn you Derek…_"

Before she had time to fully gather herself together, Finn was striding toward her; enveloping her in a big hug.

"Meredith! What are you doing here? Not that I'm not glad to see you I just thought you were working today."

"I was, but I felt sick so I took the rest of the day. I'm on my way home, but I needed to talk to you and I figured that I'd go ahead and stop by and maybe you might be able to spare a few minutes."

"Sure, sure not a problem; I have one more patient I need to see and then we can go upstairs and have some coffee. Do you mind waiting a while?"

"No, I'll be fine."

"Good, then why don't you go upstairs and relax…if you're not feeling well just stretch out and I'll be up in no longer than a half an hour." He took the opportunity to guide her to the stairs and press a kiss on her cheek. "See ya soon."

With that he headed back into his waiting room. "Mrs. Tyson and Rascals?"


	8. Chapter 8

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

When Finn said about a half an hour, he meant about a half an hour. Meredith hadn't been able to get any rest; if anything the waiting allowed for her stomach to begin churning again. At least this time she could contribute it to nerves. For a while, pacing seemed the most productive way of occupying the time, but then she decided the least she could do was make the coffee…the coffee that she would not be drinking…maybe even for nine months…o well that was a thought for later.

Finn was up the stairs and in the room staring at her before Meredith realized she was no longer alone. He couldn't believe how lucky he was to have Meredith in his life. After the death of his wife, Finn thought that the great love of his life was over; that he had had his adventure and now would have to be content with the company of animals. But Meredith, Meredith had unexpectedly come into his life all broken and vulnerable with her dying dog and had allowed for Finn to believe that maybe just maybe life and fate were still willing to throw a few more curve balls his way. He could really be falling for this girl. She was sweet, a little on the pessimistic side, but genuinely sweet. She was a doctor and understood the demands of his work, and she herself possessed the ability to save lives. What more could he want. Now here she was standing in his kitchen, fiddling with his coffee pot and the world never seemed more beautiful or so full of possibility.

She felt his gaze before she heard him. Once again, this time before she could even turn around, she found herself cloaked in his arms. He gently turned her around and sought her mouth with his.

"Finn…"

He didn't give her a chance to argue. He kissed her. It was a soft, gentle touching of lips.

"I just wanted to get the chance to give you the proper greeting. Downstairs wasn't really the place." He smiled and gently released her from his arms, but tenderly cupped her face with his hands.

"You're so beautiful."

He said it with such conviction; Meredith could feel the tears beginning to well. She needed to tell him before this went on any longer.

"Finn," she said wrapping her fingers around his own and slowly lowering them, "I'm pregnant, I mean I think I could be pregnant…there's a really good chance that I probably am."

"Pregnant? What? But…but that's not possible Meredith…we…we've never slept together…"

"We haven't, but Derek and I have…recently." The last word came out smaller than she wanted it to, but looking him in the face made the guilt overwhelming and just a little intimidating.

"What I thought you and Derek were just friends…I mean you alluded to history, but most of the time, it seems like you two can't even stand to be in the same room together…plus he's married…I mean he is still married as far as I know and…and…You can't be serious…you slept with him. When? I mean…you…I…"

"Finn, listen to me…please let me have the chance to tell you the truth. You're a great guy and…" At this Finn started to pull away, but Meredith kept her fingers tightly entwined with his.

"Derek is married, he's divorcing Addison, but eight months ago I didn't know that." At his questioning look, she clarified, "I didn't know that he was married. We met at a bar and had a one night stand. I used to do that a lot when I got drunk, before him anyway. The next day I showed him to the door and never expected to see him again, but then on my first day of work, which happened to be that very morning, I met my boss…Dr. Derek Shepherd, neuro-surgeon extraordinaire. At first I tried to avoid him…relationships between interns and attendings are not supposed to happen, but the thing is I couldn't avoid him. He wouldn't let me avoid him and after a while I didn't want to. There was something there…something more…I'd never felt that before. We decided to go ahead and make it work…I had to put up with a lot of crap because of it; not just from my other bosses, but my co-workers and even my friends. After a while, people came around to the idea of us and for a while we were happy, so happy. Then one night, a night like any other night this woman showed up at the hospital. She, she was Addison…his wife."

"So it was still okay with you that he was married. He cheated on his wife!"

"No Finn, she cheated on him in New York… before he came here…before he met me," she fought desperately to keep her voice level. "When he did, meet me I mean, he was filing for divorce."

"But he didn't" It was evident in the way he spat out the words that he was mad. Normally she would flinch. Normally she would step back, but today she didn't. She needed to get the truth out; the whole truth and that desperation gave her the patience and the strength to carry on.

"No he didn't. To make a long story short she begged him to give her another chance. She stayed and he decided to try. She had been his family for eleven years and he felt that he owed it to her to at least try. She was trying."

"And you were okay with _that_?"

"He broke my heart…no he smashed it. I tried to move on…I tired to put him behind me, but it was impossible because he still had so much of me. And then at the prom everything came to a head and we…"

"Wait the prom? _The prom_? You slept with him at the prom? I poured my heart out to you. I told you I had plans; plans that mostly revolved around you and then you run down the hall and…and…I can't believe this…I…I."

He pulled away this time and she didn't stop him. He deserved the physical space.

"Finn!" The tears were clearly evident in her voice now. "I never intended to hurt you. I tried…damn it! I tired so hard to push him out of my life…I tried for you, for me, but I love him…I love him, he's, he's my…he has my heart and regardless of the fact that he's repeatedly broken it, I can't help myself. The point is he still has it and I can't get it back…I…I don't want to get it back."

He was pacing the room, tears clearly visible on his cheeks. "I think the best thing for you to do is to leave."

"Finn…"

He turned his back to her. She knew it was over. Any possibility of even being friends with him was over. Though it was sad, incredibly sad, she knew the right thing had been done. She walked up to his back and gently touched him. She shuddered when she felt him cringe. "I am truly sorry Finn. Whether or not you choose to believe this, you are a wonderful man and had we met in a different time, a different place you would have been it for me…I'm sorry."


	9. Chapter 9

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't break down the door."

Izzie opened the front door to the persistent knocking.

"Hey" she said in surprise when she saw Cristina. "What's up?"

"Oh…I just came to check on Meredith. How's she doing?" Cristina asked, shifting her bag from one shoulder to the other.

"Um…okay I think. I took her some soup up about an hour ago; she was in the bed. I think she needs the rest. I hope this bug doesn't keep her down long."

"Yeah, me neither." Cristina paused momentarily. "Well I'm gonna head up there and make sure she hasn't died."

"Alright, let me know when you leave. I've been baking some bread. I found this recipe in a magazine and I tried it out. I think that it's pretty good, George isn't here so I don't have a second opinion, but I think it's good so I want you to take some to Burke just to let him know that I'm thinking about him."

"Okay…he'll appreciate that."

Izzie turned on her heel and headed back into the kitchen; at times the close relationship that Meredith and Cristina shared bothered her. It was never fun feeling like the third wheel in a group of friends, but tonight she was content to bake and experiment with her bread.

The room was totally dark when Cristina opened the door.

"Meredith…are you alive?"

When she didn't get an answer she flipped on the light.

The instantaneous brightness assaulted Meredith's eyes. "Cristina!!!"

Unfazed, Cristina opened her bag. "So what's it gonna be?"

Meredith squinted at her friend's outstretched arms. In one hand she held a bottle of tequila and in the other she held a tiny onesie. Meredith simply stared for a while and then limply shrugged her shoulders.

"What? You haven't taken a test yet? Get up! You're not putting this off any longer."

"I went to see Finn this afternoon." It was stated simply, dully, matter of fact like. "I think he hates me. I deserve to be hated. You should have seen the look on his face; the hurt in his eyes. All I seem to be good at is hurting people. He was right the first time when he said that I was scary and damaged. I am…I really am."

"Come on," Cristina pulled her up.

"I can't even take care of myself. How in the world am I expected to take care of a child? It'll be born an innocent and I'm going to ruin it…I just can't do this."

"Before you mess anything up you're going to have to find out if there_ is_ anything _to_ mess up and I'm not leaving here until you do." By this time Cristina had Meredith out the door and across the hall and into the bathroom. She pulled a pregnancy test out of her bag. "I got this just in case and it seems like it was a smart idea. Here, it's pretty self explanatory."

Meredith's distraught look made her soften her tone. "Look Mer, we can't do anything about this until we know what we're dealing with. No matter what I'll be here for you; you won't be alone…I'm your person."

"I know…thanks."


	10. Chapter 10

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Three minutes later the alarm of Cristina's cell phone went off.

"Okay Mer, truth time."

"Truth time," she repeated.

She sat on the edge of her bed and watched Cristina walk across the hall into the bathroom. She couldn't take her eyes off of her friend's retreating form; she strained to see her even after she disappeared around the corner. As quick as she had disappeared, she returned; test in hand. Her face was a blank slate. Meredith couldn't decide whether this was a good or a bad thing.

"Are you ready?"

"Well yeah…I don't really have much of a choice…hit me."

"It's negative."

"It…It's negative? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, one little line instead of two. It's time to party my friend; you dodged the bullet."

Cristina watched Meredith's shoulders and spine relax. It was hard to really see how nervous she had been in those last few minutes until it was over. She flopped onto the bed by her friend's limp form.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…I think so…this is what I wanted right?"

"It's normal to think of the what ifs. I mean after the initial shock and panic its normal to think of a future with a kid. Life would really be different."

"You thought about it too?"

"Yeah, for about a split second and then my better judgment came back. I was a first year intern sleeping with an attending. We really hadn't made any commitment. We were exclusively sleeping with each other, but that was it, we didn't have a title. At the time it just wasn't meant to be. When I scheduled the abortion I felt sick about it. I never thought I would, but standing in that office, desperate to fix the so called problem that I got myself into made me feel sick. Here I was training as a surgeon, a person who saves lives, and knowingly, willingly destroying one that I had created." She shook her head at the memory. "Thankfully the decision was taken out of my hands, but I know that if it hadn't I would have done it."

"What about now?"

"Now?"

"Yeah, now that that the situation has changed. You and Burke love each other and have made commitments and people are okay with the two of you together. There's nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. If you got pregnant again would you keep it?"

"I honestly don't know. There would be no real reason not to. We would be together, we would have the resources…then I think about my career, but after all that's happened with Izzie and Denny and Burke being shot, I would have the reevaluate the importance of my career. It's a major part of who I am, who I see myself as, but it's not all of me. Look at Bailey. She did it and she's doing fine. I think everyone questions themselves when it comes to something that huge, but I know now that I have room to have a life outside of the hospital and if that includes kids…knock on wood that it won't be for a while; a long while…but if it does then I think I've made peace with that. "

"Really?"

"Really."

Meredith leaned herself in towards Cristina's body. Much to her relief, her friend didn't shy away. She allowed her to lean, allowed herself to become Meredith's support.

They stayed this way for a while in silence.

"I think," Meredith started after a while, "that eventually after I got used to the idea of having a baby, especially Derek's baby that I could have been, would have been happy. Things are complicated as it is and I'm not saying that a baby would have made it any easier, but I think that we could have made it work." She paused again. "He told me he loved me today. He was so sweet and genuine. When I told him about the baby, or at least the possibility of a baby he was excited. Can you believe that? He kept a serious face but that smile was there in his eyes."

"That's McDreamy for you." Cristina said with the hint of a smile in her voice. "Did you tell him that you were ending things with Finn…now that I think about it I'm surprised that he's not here."

"About that…I kinda told him that there was a strong possibility that the baby, if it was really there, could be Finn's."

"You did what?"

"I don't know…I just wanted to make sure that he really meant what he said…that he was in this thing for good."

Cristina pushed Meredith up and looked at her. "What did he do? What did he say?"

"He was upset, well saying that he was upset is an understatement. He was devastated. For me to be pregnant with Finn's child would have to mean that I had sex with him right after Derek and I were together. I mean right after. It would imply that what happened between us that night didn't mean to me what it meant for him. You know that it did and I know that it did, and truthfully I want Derek to know that it did, but for some reason I wanted to hurt him…to make him feel just a fraction of what I felt for the last eight months. I thought that someway it would make me feel better, it would help me cope, but it hasn't…if anything it has just made the whole thing worse…I'll tell him…I just couldn't today. My emotions were pretty haywire and I just needed the space, the time…"

"It's okay Mer…if anyone understands you it's me…I think it's about time we get drunk. Are you up for it…nothing helps cure the blues like absolute stupidity and a massive hangover."

"Yeah I am," she said with a smile.

"Good then I'll break out the juice."

With that Cristina got up from the bed and walked to the door.

"IZZIE…get up here and bring some glasses with you."

Meredith gave her friend a questioning smile.

"Hey we need to party and I'll be damned if we leave her downstairs all lonely while we have fun. Besides I think Izzie is due for some serious drinking don't you?"

"Yeah. I do." Meredith said with a smile.

"What's going on up here?" Izzie took in the heavy mood of the room.

"Oh nothing," Cristina said lightly. "Meredith thought she was having a crisis, but she's not."

Izzie sent Mer a questioning look.

"I'm fine Iz; really. I just made a decision that's all. I love Derek. I want to be with him, and hopefully well hopefully we can make it work this time."

"Wait…you're not sick?"

"I was earlier, but it seems that it was nothing more than a bug."

"Oh…" Izzie said with sudden realization. "I wish you would have told me I could have been up here with you instead of down there baking."

"It's okay…I had a pretty traumatic day. I'll tell you all about it later, but now I think it's time we have some fun. What do you think?"

Izzie walked over and gave Meredith a hug. It was returned with equal sentiment. In those few moments it became evident to the Meredith, Izzie, and Cristina that now more than ever they were going to have to be one another's support system. Cristina began generously pouring the tequila. She walked over to the bed where the other two were and handed them their drinks.

"I propose a toast," she said raising her glass in the air; the others followed suite. "To us…we lead messy and incredibly, unnecessarily complicated lives but at the end of the day we somehow make it out okay."

The glasses clinked and the party began.


	11. Chapter 11

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Beep…beep…beep.

It was the combination of the alarm and the distant roll of thunder that woke Meredith the next morning. She began to lift her head and instantly regretted the movement. The night before came flashing back into her mind with painful clarity. She remembered the drinking, the laughing, the absolute craziness. She remembered the throwing up, and she remembered the blissful nothingness that sleep offered. Now her head was throbbing and her stomach had never felt worse. Izzie and Cristina were still sleeping soundly. She could hear their deep even breathing and could feel a sharp pain where someone's elbow dug into her ribs. There wasn't too much room on the bed because the three of them were crowded in it in a tangle of sheets and pillows. "_At least_," Meredith thought, "_the bed's not empty this morning_." She lay there for a while listening to the gentle patter of the rain against the glass of the window. It was peaceful. The morning would be perfect if not for the throbbing in her temples and the rolling nausea in her stomach. The bed was not empty, she was not alone, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was loved. Izzie and Cristina loved her. Derek loved her…Derek loved her. It was such an empowering thought. He loved her and she loved him. Things were going to be better; she wasn't sure how, but some little voice in the back of her head was telling her that things were going to be better. She just needed to let them come together in their own time. "_Enjoy the ride Meredith. Let things come to you; they will happen, you just have to sit back and be patient_." She wasn't sure were the sudden burst of optimism came from, but was more than willing to get caught up in it.

The pressure from the elbow brought Meredith out of her revere. It was deeply embedded in her side and the pain was proving to be too much now that she was awake and aware of its presence. Carefully, so not to disturbed the other two, Meredith slightly shifted position. This small movement proved to be too much. A thick, metallic taste filled her mouth; her head began to swim. It was coming and there wasn't much time; she was going to be sick. As fast as she could manage, Meredith rolled off the side of the bed and crawled towards the bathroom.

She could feel the cool tile under her palms and on her knees; the toilet was in sight. Her head was swimming; tears were building up behind her eyes. The taste was overwhelming; she felt the gag coming. Just a few more feet…it was too late. She doubled over…It seemed like an eternity before it stopped. Even after there was nothing left to come up, Meredith heaved. The sight and smell of the alcohol mixed with bile was too much. It sent her into another fit of gagging and heaving. The tears that had built up ran over her lids and were streaming down her face when she was finally able push herself into a sitting position.

Sitting was one thing, but moving was an all together different task. Meredith wanted nothing more than to hoist herself up and stumble to the shower, but even the thought of that much physical activity left her utterly exhausted. She wearily leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes waiting for the strength to come.

"Oh my gosh…Meredith?" George flipped on the light. His alarm had just gone off and he had made his way to the bathroom. Last night when he got home he had smelled the tequila and the other alcohol (this consisted of whatever else Izzie had been able to dig up) all the way down the hall. He had heard the laughter and later the vomiting. Instinct told him to leave them alone; there were times when women had to do crazy things; things that guys just didn't and would never be able to fully understand. Last night was one of those times. But now here was Meredith crumpled up on the cold bathroom floor covered in and surrounded by her own vomit. Her face was pale and when he touched her hand, her fingers were icy.

"Come on Mer," George said gently lifting her off of the floor. He guided her over to the toilet, making sure to close the lid before her lowered her on to it. "Raise your arms." He said it with the patience of a father taking care of a sick child. Meredith looked at him dully for a second; it took that long for her to register what he was saying; to make sense of what he was asking. Once the words filtered through her dazed mind, she obediently began to raise them. She was weak and they didn't get very high, but he could make do. Quickly George stripped her of the soiled shirt and wrapped the towel he had over his shoulder around hers. He looked into her pale face. Her eyes were large and glassy, but he found gratitude there.

"Thanks." It came out as a hoarse whisper.

"Don't mention it. Let me clean this up and then I'll help you into the shower." He turned on the water hoping that the steam would help at least ease her breathing. He gave her one last concerned look then hustled off to the kitchen for a mop, bucket, and disinfectant.

Over the soothing sound of the shower Meredith could hear groans coming from her bedroom. "_They're beginning to stir. That's good_," she thought to herself. She didn't want to risk moving just yet. Though her stomach was empty it still felt unsettled and judging from the past few days she wasn't exactly sure what it was capable of. It was weird. Meredith was no stranger to alcohol. In fact alcohol (namely tequila) and Meredith were friends, good friends; some days more than others. Never once had she slept it off and then thrown up the next day. She had had the headaches before and the sensitivity to light, but never the throwing up. Today she had; not just thrown up; she had violently purged herself of everything in her system. Last night she and Izzie and Cristina had done enough throwing up to last them for a good while. Things had just been so weird recently. What she needed most, Meredith decided, was a good, hot shower and a productive day at work; that's if she could make it off the toilet. That fact in and of itself, at this moment, seemed an impossible feat.


	12. Chapter 12

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

"My head is killing me!" Cristina complained rubbing the heels of her palms against her temples.

"You can say that again," Izzie seconded. She was sprawled out on her back, hands behind her head, knees up in the air, eyes closed on a bench in the intern locker room. Meredith sat at her feet.

"You alright Mer?" Cristina turned to cast an inquisitive gaze in her direction. "You've been awfully quiet."

Izzie opened her eyes and raised her head.

"Yeah, I'm okay…just a little nauseous; nothing really new; at least recently."

"We drank a lot." Izzie said lowering her head back into the cradle of her arms. "I even felt a little nauseous when I got up this morning."

"Yeah, but we also threw up a lot last night." Cristina pointed out. "We slept it off. You didn't throw up this morning and you don't look nauseous now."

"I'm not." Izzie looked at Cristina out of the corner of her one open eye.

"Exactly; she should be feeling better. I have a headache, but I don't feel sick…throw up sick anyway," Cristina said flinching at the banging of Alex's locker door.

"Maybe she really is sick," George said handing Meredith a can of ginger ale and two soda crackers. He looked at her again with the fatherly concern that she had already seen early that morning. "You have to put something in your stomach. We're going to have a long day and you need the energy. I don't know how you made it here. This morning I wasn't sure you were gonna be able to get off the floor."

"I know. Thanks for the crackers and the concern." Meredith gave him an encouraging smile; one she knew didn't look very convincing.

"What do you mean get off the floor? What was she doing on the floor?" Cristina turned to George.

"When I got up this morning she was in the bathroom puking her guts out."

"You were what? Meredith!! Why didn't you tell me?" There was an edge of anger laced into the concern.

"I didn't think that it was that big of a deal." Meredith said quietly trying to convince herself as much as Cristina.

"What's the big deal? So she threw up? I do it all the time and nobody gets that excited over it. She was drunk. Probably drank more than she could handle," Alex said plopping himself beside Izzie's head.

"Um…I was there." Cristina shot back.

"Yeah, but you were drunk too. So was Izzie. No one else was there monitoring her intake." He smiled his cocky little grin. "I think that she needs some fluids and then she'll bounce back."

"There's more to it than just that Alex and you know it. She went home sick yesterday."

"Well if she was so sick then why was she drinking…and if you were so concerned then why were you the one pouring the drinks?"

"Okay. Enough!" Meredith said. The bickering was bringing the headache back full force. "Alex, yesterday I was sick. Yesterday I thought I was pregnant." She looked directly from George to Alex. "Okay guys. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not…so that's why we were drinking. Cristina and Izzie, they were supporting me. I'm not sure whether I was celebrating or mourning or just forgetting, but whatever." She put her face into her hands balancing her elbows on her knees.

"Oh…holy…Mer?" George stared at her, mouth a gape.

Izzie was up putting an arm around her friend's sagging shoulders. Meredith looked up at George.

"I'm okay." She wanted that look wiped off of his face. "I'm just…tired and…I guess I feel drained. It's not like I wanted a baby or anything. It would have just complicated things…You don't have to worry…really."

"It was McDreamy's wasn't it?" Until that time Alex had been totally silent, but he now pointedly asked what the other two wanted to know but wouldn't ask. (Izzie had known that about the pregnancy scare, but hadn't asked about the father…at the time it just hadn't mattered).

"It wasn't ever there, but if it had of been yeah…it would have been his. I ended it with Finn yesterday before I found out…I don't regret that… I never slept with him at all. Don't look at me like that. I know that you all wanted to know…you wanted to know how I could be so sure that it was Derek's. I was taking it slow with Finn one because I didn't want to hurt him or myself, but mostly because I couldn't love him the way I love Derek. He deserves better and I'm okay with that…I just…right now I'm just exhausted."

"You need to go home. If you're still feeling bad…"

"No," she didn't want to hear the rest of what George was going to say, "it'll pass."

Izzie pulled Meredith a little closer. She allowed her head to rest on Izzie's shoulder. The human contact was comforting. She closed her eyes. "It's just because of all the alcohol and the stress…it'll pass. I have a job to do; we all have a job to do and medicine waits for no one. I'll be okay…I just need a few more minutes."


	13. Chapter 13

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Yesterday had been an extremely long day for Derek. For one brief minute his future had looked brighter than ever and in the next instant it had turned into a gaping black hole. Nothing was certain anymore. Everything he had hoped for and dreamed of for so long had disappeared. How had he let that happen? Where had he been? Why had he ever left her? She was his heart and now…it was too hard to even put into words what was happening now. Somehow, by some unexplained miracle, he had been able to push through and finish the rest of his surgeries for the day, but all he wanted to do; needed to do was go home and get lost in a bottle of something; anything that would stop the throbbing in his chest; anything that would allow him to breathe again. "_Just breathe_." That was what he had to constantly remind himself.

The plan had been laid out. He had gone home and earnestly tried to drown the sorrows, but somehow the more he drank the more he remembered…remembered the weight of her kisses, the taste of her mouth, her skin, the silky texture of her hair, the feel of her body next to his; under his. He could hear her laugh, the sweet, soaring sound of it. Meredith was not a laugher so when she did laugh it was real, pure; infectious. Thinking of how beautiful she was when she was happy made him remember the exquisite fragileness of her when she was sad. He could still feel the warmth of her tears under his fingertips, could remember how they tasted when he kissed them away. Eventually all her moods came back to him. He could see her smile; sometimes it was real, other times it was a little lopsided grin. He remembered with clarity her little, insignificant frown that didn't intimidate anyone no matter how hard she tried. He knew the way her eyes changed color when she was happy…sad…sleepy…lustful…mad. He could remember what brand of toothpaste she used…how she liked her coffee, her eggs…what her favorite food was, music was… the more he tried to forget, the more real she became. She haunted his thoughts both conscious and subconscious.

Eventually being alone in the trailer was too much. He had to escape the silence, had to escape being alone with just his thoughts and memories. He knew that he needed sleep, tomorrow would be here before he knew it, but he would rather go back to the hospital and hear the noise of the hallways as opposed to the deathly silence that was fast becoming too oppressing. His mind made up Derek jumped into the shower hoping with all his might that the warm water would help erase some of the alcohol induced fuzziness. He had to drive…he had to go…

The hospital did offer some comfort. Meredith's presence haunted this place too, but at least he was not alone with her. He stepped into the elevator, pushed the button for his floor and waited. The thought of loosing Meredith forever was exhausting. He had felt it once before when Addison had come back into his life; when he had chosen duty over his heart, but this time it was worse. This time the situation was out of his hands. Meredith was the one calling the shots…no it was more like Finn's unborn child was the one calling the shots. A bitter laugh erupted from his throat. Life was ironic. When the doors opened Derek shuffled out and headed down the hall towards an on-call room. Hopefully sleep would come…if even for a few hours.

As soon as his head touched the pillow, exhaustion hit him; hard. It felt like a strong blow to the face; stunning, surprising, not at all expected. This time he didn't fight it; didn't fight to think, to worry, to hope, to remember…he just didn't fight. He wasn't even sure if there was any fight left. On a sigh Derek let exhaustion carry him…


	14. Chapter 14

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Morning came early; too early. With a grunt and on a prayer Derek rolled out of the bed and headed for the attending locker room. He scrubbed his face with cold water and his hands, threw on his scrubs and lab coat, then made a bee line towards the nurse's station to review and pick up his charts for the day. A cup of coffee would be heavenly, but it could wait. He needed to start his day…it would make things easier or so he thought.

He saw her from across the hall. She didn't see him; she was too busy discussing something with Bailey. Derek took the opportunity to look her over, to gaze at the face he had memorized so long ago. Right now it was flushed a delicate pink. She was upset. He felt the innate urge to go to her, to hold her until the rest of the world melted away. Seeing her again set the already persistent dull ache lodged in his chest on fire; there was actual physical pain. She was so beautiful; even with the dark circles and the still too pale skin (which was clearly evident even under the slight pink staining on her cheeks) and he loved her with an all encompassing, all consuming love. There was no denying the fact, no use trying to cover it up, he just loved her and it wasn't going to disappear simply because she was pregnant with another man's child. Right then and there he made a major decision. He was going to fight; the ache of loosing her was not going to stop him from being there for her. She meant too much. It would be hard, probably an uphill battle the entire way, but she was worth every torturous step because life without her was just not worth living.


	15. Chapter 15

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

"Grey?" Miranda Bailey was concerned. This was the second day that Meredith looked like she could collapse at any given minute. Usually the interns looked worn out, no not just the interns. Many days most of the staff looked like they were only hanging on by a thread, but today Meredith looked like her thread had gotten into a fight with a pair of scissors and lost. Her thread was getting close to breaking all together. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay."

Bailey eyed her suspiciously.

"What?" It was asked with feigned innocence. Meredith thought that she could play it off, thought that she looked better than she felt, but apparently she didn't. She shifted uncomfortably under the scrutinizing gaze. After a few seconds she couldn't take it anymore.

"Would you please stop looking at me like that."

Bailey raised her eyebrows. "Like what? Looking at you like what? Like you're a liar? Yeah I can stop, _when_ you tell me the truth."

Meredith wasn't going to win this one and she knew it. She took a deep breath and let it out loudly to show her irritation. "Okay, truthfully I feel like crap, but I'm dealing with it. I want to work. I _need_ to work." The _but I'm dealing with it_ part had come out too quickly.

Bailey continued to look at Meredith with questioning eyes. Cristina, Izzie, George, and Alex shared concerned glances with one another. They shifted uncomfortably when they sensed Bailey's eyes resting on them.

"Don't think I didn't see that. Yeah I'm talking to you," she said staring directly at Cristina. "I saw that."

"Saw what?" Cristina asked.

"Don't play simple with me. None of you," she said waving her finger in their general direction, "play simple with me."

"She's fine. She just had too much to drink last night," Izzie said.

"She was drinking last night?" Bailey looked each intern in the face.

Before another uncomfortable moment could pass Cristina took the opportunity to clear the air.

"Oh, it's okay. She's not pregnant." It was stated matter-of-factly; cut and dry, directly to the point.

"Cristina!" Meredith looked at her in astonishment.

"It's what she wanted to know Mer. It's what she wanted to know."

Bailey gave each one of her charges another look. She genuinely cared for each one of them and it was her job to keep them in line.

"Grey, I'm not going to fight with you on this one. If you think you can do your job then I'm not going to stop you. Goodness knows that we all work on days where we feel like shit." The words that she was saying had her mind wandering back to the last trimester of her pregnancy the previous year. Her back was constantly aching; the baby was always kicking, digging into her ribs, rubbing painfully on her pelvic bone. Her ankles had been swollen; twice their normal size. The indigestion, the constant hunger, and intermittent nausea had been almost unbearable, but she had struggled through because she had to and now Meredith was going to have to do the same. Pregnant or not something was wrong with the girl. She would let her work, but would keep an eye out for her throughout the day. She gave her interns their assignments and headed into surgery with O'Malley following at her heels. Today was going to be a long one, she could feel it.


	16. Chapter 16

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

"Okay," Meredith took a deep, somewhat cleansing breath and headed off to find Derek. Bailey had assigned her to him. She wasn't sure whether that was a good or a bad thing. It certainly wasn't going to give her time to think about what she was going to say, but in all actuality, some of the most profound things to ever come out of Meredith Grey's mouth were said spontaneously.

She felt him before she saw him. She could feel his emotion. It was palpable. There was a bond between the two of them; she wasn't exactly sure what it was, what it meant, but it was there. Derek had a way about him…he could say almost anything and everything he wanted or needed to say without uttering a single syllable.

"Okay," she said again. It came out a little shaky. She closed the gap between the two.

"Hey." It was said softly, warmly; he was saying so much more than hey.

"Hey." It was said quietly, with an underlying note of could we please just get to work and not talk about this.

"You ready?"

"I think so."

"Good…then let's get started. We have an interesting day ahead of us. There's a man in 1317, he fell and hit his head a few days ago. Got up and was fine, except for a knot on the left side. Yesterday evening he was helping his wife put the dishes in the dish washer after supper and suddenly passed out. He's awake now, but before we can do anything else I need you to check his vitals, get some blood work, and take him to CT. Is that okay?"

"Sounds fine…I'll get right on it… see you in a little bit."

Derek handed her the chart and watched her retreating form until she was out of sight. Yeah it was going to be hard, harder than he originally imagined. She was so close and yet so far. Something was wrong though; her eyes were more than tired, they were sad…sad and searching, like she was looking for something, looking for answers. He would be more than willing to step in and supply her with any answer to any question; the only problem was he didn't know what she was looking for. Was she looking for him to do something? To reassure her that he loved her…that he would be there for her…that he would fight for her? He shook his head. One foot in front of the other…just remember; one step at a time. He was going to be there…there was no doubt about that.


	17. Chapter 17

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Meredith took the patient's blood work and his vitals then headed down to CT. Activity had not been the cure. Work had not made things better. If anything she was in worse shape now then she had been before she left the house. Her stomach was churning and her head was spinning. A cold sweat beaded her brow. She turned to the nurse accompanying her. "Take him down…I'll meet you there."

She didn't wait for the nod of confirmation, she couldn't. She needed to get…she didn't know what she needed. She couldn't think. The dizziness stepped out of the background; her world was moving. It was like she was underwater…nothing had a definite shape. Unsteadily she grabbed a trash can sitting beside a smaller nurse's station and fell into an empty closet.

The nausea hit her again…it was just as strong as it had been earlier that morning except this time it was more painful. There was nothing to throw up. No alcohol, no food, just the few sips of ginger ale and the cracker that she had manage to choke down under George's watchful eye.

The tears were hot on her cheeks, but she couldn't stop them anymore than she could the painful heaving. She couldn't stop…it hurt…it hurt so bad.

Out of nowhere, Meredith felt strong arms envelope her, pull her into a strong, solid form. She was no longer free floating in the haze, she was anchored. Her dizzy mind still couldn't think, but she didn't need to guess who was cradling her body, whispering comforting sounds in her ear, wiping away the damp sweat and strands of hair that clung to her face. She knew who it was. How he knew that she was sick, doubled over in a dark closet, heaving and miserable was beyond her imagination; she didn't even care. All that mattered was that he was here, he was holding her; he loved her.

Derek pulled her even closer, trying to absorb the racking heaves, trying to steady her shaking form. There was nothing else to do but wait for it to stop. That was the hardest thing for Derek to do…wait and not fix, but he was doing the best he could…he was there…that's all that mattered. Eventually the heaving stopped. Her breath was coming out in shaky little waves, but it was returning to normal. Any little ounce of strength that Meredith had desperately fought to save earlier that day had been zapped out of her in five minutes. She could barely keep her eyes open…there was nothing else to do but let go, be comforted, be loved. She limply leaned against him. He was so warm, so real. Derek couldn't help himself; he kissed the base of her damp neck, the area right where it extended into her shoulder.

"Mer…"

He was going to ask if she was okay, but he already knew the answer to that. What a stupid question. She was most definitely not okay. So without another word, Derek shifted himself to where he could hold her more closely. She fit perfectly…they were two pieces of the same puzzle. One was not whole without the other. Her head fit in the pocket of his shoulder, the rest of her molded into him. Derek looked at her. Here eyes where closed, her cheeks were flushed from the recent strain, her skin was still damp…never before had he seen a more beautiful sight. Every time he thought he had seen Meredith in all her glory, she surprised him with yet another facet. Gently he kissed the top of her head, breathing in the soft scent of her, relishing in the feel of her hair tickling his face.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	18. Chapter 18

-1

I do not in any way own Grey's Anatomy or the characters…

Sorry that's its taken so long for me to update this…finals and the beginning of summer put me back for a while. Hope you like this latest edition. Please Review!!!

Meredith felt her heart skip a beat at his touch. He was so close. Her skin still tingled from where his lips had been moments ago. She was very aware, even through the incredible exhaustion, that his face was buried in her hair, that her back was flush against his chest, and his pelvis was snuggly cradling hers. The warmth and solid strength radiating from his enveloping arms gave her comfort; peace. For just a moment she allowed herself to let go, to relish in the overpowering sensation of him, of his touch.

He felt her melt even more into him. _This is good_ he thought. _She needs a minute to gather herself back together, to regain her footing._ He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the wall, and allowed his mind to wander, allowed himself to, like Meredith, relish in the sensation and the intimacy of the moment. Without conscious thought or direction, Derek's hand found its way to Meredith's stomach. In gentle motions, he traced lazy circles over and around her womb with the flat of his palm. Derek continued to allow his hand to glide tenderly over the area until he felt her stiffen in his arms.

"Meredith? Are you okay? Do you feel sick again?"

He straighten up, keeping her close, preparing to support her through another bought of nausea and vomiting.

The concern in his voice in addition to the lingering feeling of his hand gently, lovingly gliding across her stomach had tears once again stinging her eyes. He was so great. How could one person be this amazing? He was a man; a man whose heart she had broken, whose hopes she had dashed with a selfish lie. The wounds had to still be bleeding, but here he was; holding her, loving her. Why? No other man could or would do this. What made Derek so different? Whatever it was, she knew it was this aspect of his person that had made her fall so deeply in love with him the first time and when it had been taken away so abruptly, had left her empty and miserable. She couldn't deny herself him any longer. She had to stop fighting him, she had to allow herself to fall once again and have faith that this time he would be there to catch her. Now more than ever she owed him the truth.

"Derek…I'm not pregnant."

"What?"

It was his turn for his heart to skip a beat. He should be happy to hear those words come out of her lips…he should be, but somehow he wasn't. Somewhere deep inside of him he felt loss. His mind quickly tried to deal with this unexpected feeling, but he couldn't seem to shake it. He gave a quite little laugh. Why in the hell should he be sad at the loss of a child that was never his? It was unexplainable, weird.

"Derek?"

"Mer…I…I don't know what to say. I mean…."

He let the sentence die unsaid on his lips as he felt his heart convulse. If she wasn't pregnant then why had she been so sick for the past few days. Worry and fear began to rear their ugly heads. He wrapped his arms more securely around her. She felt is heart beat begin to race, could feel his grip tighten. She knew his brain was beginning to fill with all types of possible problems, illnesses; so she began to talk.

"Derek, calm down. Really I'm fine. Yesterday I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I'm sure that I read it right and Cristina was there with me for support. I'm throwing up probably because of the gallon tequila that drank last night."

She shifted so she could make out his face. Now more than ever she needed to tell him the truth about yesterday. It was so clear, now more than it had ever been that Derek loved her. If she was looking for a sign, everything that had taken place in the last few minutes had cleared that problem up. He was here and he loved her without reservation regardless of everything that happened yesterday. She knew in her heart of hearts that this was it; they were going to make a go at it and they were going to make it work.

"Derek…"

"It's okay Mer I believe you." There was a pregnant pause. "Have you told Finn yet?"

He had done it again. Thinking of her feelings and needs before his own. The tears that had built up in her eyes, obscuring her vision now flowed freely down her cheeks. She drew a deep breath…this was it…no turning back now…she was going to tell him.

"No, but I don't think it would matter to him one way or the other."

"Why the hell not?" The tears on running down her pale face surged his innate need to protect her. Derek felt the fingers of anger begin to touch his consciousness. How could a man who supposedly cared so much about her possibly knock her up and then not give a shit?

Meredith tightened her grip on his arm, pulling him out of his thoughts and back to her.

"Because it wasn't his baby. It, had it been there, would have been yours. I never, not once Derek, slept with Finn. I didn't…I couldn't want him, or love him, or need him like I do you. I love you. Yesterday I lied to you to hurt you. I'm not sure why I wanted to do that. I guess I was just afraid of having my heart broken all over again. Before, before Addison, you made so many promises…we had so much and then in the blink of an eye it was gone…I didn't even have time to register what was happening. I…I…"

"Meredith…"

"No Derek, let me finish, this is important. I need to say all of it. Yesterday I wasn't sure that you were going to be able to commit to me, to love me completely, regardless of all of the rest of life which seems to be constantly getting in our way, but today; today I am sure; with all of my heart I am confident in your love for me. I'm not running away from us any more. I can't. You've become such a big part of my life that life without you wouldn't be living at all. I need you. I love you."

His heart swelled as he looked into her eyes. He pulled her close, rocked her, kissed her head, her wet lashes, the tears running down her cheeks, her lips. When he pulled back he lost himself in the depth of her eyes. She had said do much, had poured her heart into his hands. Without even knowing his hand had found its way back down to her stomach and was rubbing it gently.

"What are you doing?" She looked at him with questioning eyes.

"I don't know. I feel…Mer…are you sure that the test was negative?"

"Well…I took it and got one pink line instead of two."

"You only took one?"

"Yeah."

"Come on," he said gently punishing her away from him and hoisting her to feet after he had gained his. She swayed gently, but he was there to steady her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Where are we going?"

"To an exam room to make sure. I can't shake this feeling…I just I have to see it with my own eyes…"

"You want me to take another pregnancy test…in an exam room…Derek…"

"No silly," he said pressing his lips to her cheek. "We're going to do an ultrasound."

Okay guys I can see at least one more chapter coming out of this one. Please review and let me know what you think…I'm headed for a happy ending…still thinking of a few twists I can throw in, but ultimately I want Derek and Meredith to be happy.


End file.
